It has been a while since I last blogged. I’ve been so busy with school works I don’t even get to spend time in our den and watch tv. I kind of miss having a bum life. I study almost everyday and go home late as expected. Good thing is that somehow, I get to balance my school and lovelife. Time with friends have been decreased since everyone’s busy with their own school stuff. I miss Clique 5 actually. We weren’t able to hang last summer…… Oh life. Time’s flying way too fast. I’m not even sure with my course yet. Oh well….. Random post. I just missed blogging everything that has been happening to me.
5 months ago, a friend sent me this message… “Natatakot lang siya. Give him assurance and razel.. Don’t break the guy’s heart. If you’re not happy don’t cheat.. Just leave.” Isn’t it ironic? This was told to me by someone and yes, I was able to do such things but it ended up that this thing should’ve been told to him. I never hurt him. And because of him I wanted to change my old habits which is cheating but it seems like I had my own taste of medicine.
Have you ever wondered what’s the worst feeling in the world? It’s when you feel like you’re such a big disappointment to your family and the worst girlfriend your guy had. What doubles the pain is the feeling that your world is being torn apart. As if it is slowly breaking down on you. As if nothing’s left. But hey, it’s the time when we start appreciating our friends and their presence when we are in need.
For the past few days, my life has been a tornado. I had to go through so much that I found myself crying every night. Hurt. That one person whom I look at as an inspiration, a motivation in life somehow degraded me. The thought that he would give up on me soon made me weak. You see. I’m like every ordinary girl, I’m not perfect and I never will be. I tend to hurt other people but when I say sorry I mean it.
Right now, I feel like I need to fix my whole self. I felt the need to rebuild myself. After going through so much things, I have to admit that my trust issues had gone worse. I’ve been more paranoid than ever but I try my best to fix myself. Although there are times wherein I feel like giving up. You know.. The feeling that you’re too damaged to get repaired. Not only do I feel that upon myself but with my relationship to someone as well. I asked my friend.. “Don’t you think our relationship has too much damage already and it’s already impossible to be fixed?” But then he said, “There’s no such thing. Something’s gotta change in order for it to be right.” So I guess that’s clear for me. That there’s still hope for us to become better.
I try to face each day with a smile. But there are times wherein it gets hard to fake a smile. You see, fake laughs and smiles doesn’t really last. They fade. And I guess, as of now, I miss the feeling of being genuinely happy. :)